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June 1, 2002

      Welcome to this issue of the News Flash.  I hope you all had a great Memorial Day.  It was wonderful having a three day weekend. Grilled out and watched a parade, what more could you ask for other then enjoying all that fattening food from the local Carnival.  As your going to see this weeks issue of the News Flash is dedicated to everything Ferengi.  Enjoy!  

     Ann Johnson
    Captain Ann Johnson

Bold-type may be eye-catching, but fine-print makes the profit

Sim Schedule

Latinum, grace my palms
Favor me in my dreams,
Pity the poor Hew-mon
Caught in my schemes.

--Jayrad the Ferengi

New customers are like razortoothed grubworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they can bite back. 

The Logboards are ready!!  Check them out at: http://www.asghorizon.org/logboards/  Don't forget to sign up, it's very easy and fast and will allow you to see all the new posts.  To sign up as a user, go to "Register" at the top right menu and fill out the short form. 

        Some of the topics being talked about are:  Who's your favorite character.  Who's your favorite Captain.  Enterprise spoilers.  StarWars the movie.  Babylon story arc, and take a quiz on the Fantasy boards.

Take a moment to find out what other people are talking about.  ~Ann http://asghorizon.org/logboards/viewtopic.php?t=31

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition Number 1 .... Once you have their money, never give it back. 

Dear Jaffo has gone fishing.  Just kidding ... he's being lazy!  So anyways, I found this little article interesting.  Kind of reminded me of Jaffo for some reason.   I'm not sure who the author is, but I'm sure I have met this cat before.

The Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the head-less body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."  What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

While some Ferengi officers have been observed carrying conventional disruptors, their prime weapon of choice is the energy whip. A skilled Ferengi officer can yield a energy whip with as much skill and accuracy as another officer with a phaser or disruptor. 

Ferengi Insults

1. Your mother wears clothes.
2. Your brother is so pathetic, he needs help picking his lobes.
3. You'd sound less stupid if you never spoke at all.
4. Need help with the first rule? 
5. I see your sons are destined to become StarFleet Ensigns.
6. You wouldn't know an opportunity if it bit you on the lobe .
7. Your profit is so low, a huu-mahn could count it.
8. You're so pathetic, your mother offered to sell you at the hospital. No one bid.
9. I see your mother runs the family business.
10. You have the lobes of a huu-mahn! 

Ferengi technology is quite difficult to characterize, and usually serves multiple purposes, since the Ferengi have been known to steal anything they can get their hands on, from ships to the nuts and bolts that hold the ship together. Most of the Ferengi fleet consists of a variety of ships ranging from merchant vessels equipped with modest offensive capabilities to over-glorified pirate cruisers. 

The best way to keep a Ferengi Happy.

10. Put him in charge of hiring his own security.
 9 .  Tell him there is no need to read the fine print, and sign the contract.
 8.   Offer to take those 38 cases of Cardassian wine off his hands, at double the profit. 
	Of course this will also make him paranoid.
 7.   Chew their food for them.
 6.   Let him spend the day in the Nigus vault.
 5.   Tell him he looks taller than four foot three.
 4.   Ask him who he inherited his handsome lobes from.
 3.   Admire his outfit, no matter how shiny and unfashionable it is.
 2.   Offer to sharpen his teeth.
 1.   And finally, the best way to make a Ferengi happy is to buy him a couple of
	Dabo girls, pay them to lick his lobes.

Ferengi Rule of Aquisition Number 7....Keep your ears open

How many FERENGI does it take to change a lightbulb?

.

.

.

.

Two: One to change it and One to sell it to an unsuspecting customer.