Welcome to this issue of the News Flash! I was checking out some websites the other day and noticed that this year marks the 35th Anniversary of StarTrek. TV Guide will be featuring StarTrek with 35 special editions, and also including the greatest 35 moments in StarTrek history in the cover story. Each cover looks spectacular to me, and they promise to cover the entire spectrum of characters starting with the Original Series until Enterprise. Looks like a collectable. The first issue is coming out April 15th...the same day your taxes are due. I know you all are looking forward to that day like I am. ::sigh::
On a brighter note, spring is finally here and it's beautiful outside. Time for spring cleaning and getting the yard cleaned up. Be sure to read "Dear Jaffo" for some extra hints on how to make your house and yard a cleaner one.
Ann
Johnson
Captain Ann Johnson
Greetings,
I think we should celebrate some birthdays for the first four months of the
year: Rear
Admiral Vicky Howe
This is the 10th Year Anniversary of the Alliance Simulation Group. This month the Website staff is
working to get the News Flash up and running on the main website. The
preliminary work has been done and hopefully soon you will have access to all
the issues by going to the main website. I'm looking forward to it, since
it will allow everyone to read it without the advertisements we've been used
to. The year is 2268. The place Babylon 5. This is
neutral territory and things are not always so neutral when it comes to dealing
with the alien cultures and their beliefs. It's a Station 5 miles long.
It isn't always big enough for all of the territorial conflicts that can
arise.... Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command of the Enterprise Trek Today
- StarTrek TV Guides Revealed
1/ 7 - AnneASG
1/14 - TomXerxASG
4/ 4 - LtWolfASG
4/10 - ASGChip
If I have missed someone please let me know... I will correct that next month.
Let's make mention of a couple of promotions: EnsGamesASG was promoted to LieutenantJG.
Cadet Orin Val-Deja was promoted to Ensign.
Remember to visit all the sims you can.
Commander in Chief, ASG for AOL members
"I would like to purpose a toast.
To the Alliance Simulation Group (ASG)
We have forged some great relationships
Through the good and the bad
The ASG has stood the test of time
Here's to another 10 years of great friends and great simming."
Lt. Commander Kern Renkay, ASG
Most people are afraid of being alone.
... Kirk, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate
5423.4..
Where does lint come from?
Sincerely,
Wallowing in Fluff
********************* *************** **********************
Dear Wallowing,
In a world where science and technology dispel myth and fantasy, it can be so hard to try and get back to our common roots. Thank Buddha's sandal-clad feet for questions such as this one then, for giving me an avenue towards reestablishing such ancient magical artifacts as...lint. It dwells in many places: between our toes after long periods of wearing socks; deep in our navels for inexplicable reasons; on every article of black clothing we might own; and it multiplies like rabbits on a crack/Viagra cocktail in the lint traps of our dryers. But as our dear reader asks, where *does* it come from? Brace yourselves. I have studied lint over several lifetimes (thanks to the good folks at FreezerBurn Cryogenics, where their motto is "If your lips aren't blue enough, you'll be doomed to decay slowly over several millennia until finally collapsing into a disgusting pile of slushy ooze!") and accumulated vast archives documenting all aspects of the lint world (migrating patterns, reproductive rituals, goals/desires/dreams, what they prefer to take to a clam bake, etc.). I know the truth about the origins of lint. Again, I must ask you to brace yourselves. The very nature of the information I am about to divulge will rock you to your very core. Shock and appall you in ways you thought impossible. Torture your psyche into a savage and wild state that you may *never* return from. And yes...it will even kill every houseplant within a five mile radius. Lint...comes from within all of us. Take your time, deep breaths everyone. No need to curl up into the fetal position in the dark corner of a room and cry until you fall asleep chanting "Snips and snails and puppy dog tails..." Err, not that I would have any sort of experience with so pathetic an experience.
How do I know the truth about lint? That is a complicated question. One that earned the last person who asked it several days of merciless and mind numbing torture at the hands of my ninja hamsters (a quick shout out to my homeboy Katsushita, you furry devil! You do your shogun proud!) and their ancient and myriad ways of giving pain...which mostly involves biting toes, or scurrying on a large wheel. ::Shudders at the imagined horror of it all:: Lint is a benevolent, though misguided, force for good. It strives to do right by us all, and wants nothing more than not to be destroyed in return. But if that were to happen, we would suffocate slowly in a highly combustible world overflowing with lint-abundance. This cannot happen. So how can we strive to create a harmonious and prosperous relationship with something we destroy sadistically and with the utmost zeal on a daily basis? Quite simple, really: we compliment it as we destroy it. Sure it sounds almost *too* simple, but after extensive tests and experimentation I've realized it really is better than trying to just knit dark yet supple ninja suits out of it. The static electricity produced in that venture will haunt my every waking moment for at least another hour and thirty-seven minutes. Daigen and Gengoru may never recover, bless their furry stealthy hearts.
And destroy it we shall... Soak it in kerosene and light it with a blowtorch. Smash it together with some ground hamburger and feed it to every dog in your neighborhood. Tear it apart one painful piece at a time and flush it down the toilet. Leave it in a pile in the center of your driveway on a rainy night...and bludgeon it with a shovel in the morning, just to be sure it gets a full measure of agony. But while you're doing all this, don't forget to smile! Calm the lint with words of encouragement and reassurance like: "That's a good lint, burn till the only thing left of
you is a slightly disturbing smell of burnt hair"; "Nobody understands me the way you do lint.
When I'm done ending your miserable fluffy-soft life, you'll appreciate what I'm doing for you"; "Even though you've destroyed my life for all time and constantly invade my dryer, I forgive you. Shall I continue your shovel massage?"; and let's not forget the classic "Last night when I held you in my arms and rocked you to sleep, it was such a magical moment. You've brought me such deep emotional fulfillment, lint. But it's time I crushed every hope and desire that ever deigned to enter your miserable little brain".
::Strokes a laundry basket piled high with lint:: So remember folks: lint comes from within us all. But it doesn't mean we have to destroy it with a cold heart. ::Heads out back to throw his lint into a tree shredder, along with a few sticks of dynamite::
Downy Soft,
Jaffo
Time: 9:15 EDT
Place: Buddy chat room - Babylon 5 Station
10) Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain, I sense...whoo! whoo! ...You numbskull.... Why, I oughta..."
9) Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat Boy."
8) Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture.
7) Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable to leave their deck.
6) Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has been before.
5) The Enterprise crew will be mesmerized by Curly as he does the curly shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the
Enterprise.
4) Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few minutes with something he learned in science class.
3) Picard doesn't know the block.
2) If Curly can take a lead pipe to the head, he's just going to laugh at a phaser on stun.
1) Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security.
Prior Issues Feb 17, 2002 : Feb 24, 2002: March 3, 2002: March 10, 2002: March 17, 2002, April 1, 2002, April 7, 2002