March 28, 2002
PLEASE BE PATIENT, THIS TAKES A MINUTE TO LOAD
(And it's worth the wait)
Welcome to this issue of the News Flash... I'm dedicating this issue to Star Trek and April Fools' day. Are they connected in some way? <g> Got me, but I do like a good laugh. On another note, it's been a month since I've started the News Flash and I haven't received any other suggestions for the name, so I'll be continuing to use the News Flash name.
Captain Ann Johnson
What did the blonde
It was a good day to dye.
Captain Archer discovers just how short range his new hand weapons are...
Scotsman Babbling Farce
Be pleasant no matter how much it hurts.
... Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5..
Why aren't there any toilets in Star Trek?
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While the scholars are still officially out to lunch on this one, I have developed a theory after careful and close review of every single Star Trek episode, and a multitude of laboratory tests involving Southeast Asian Slugs and melatonin. It all boils down to this: toilets do not exist anywhere in the Star Trek universe because of Gnomes. Yes, that's right. Gnomes. You see, back in the Federation's earlier days, there were toilets. Before the first Enterprise was built, toilets were found all over the place. But when the Vulcans came to Earth, they brought with them the Gnomes. The Gnomes are a tiny critter looking a lot like a cross between a slinky and a Great Dane. Sadly these Scooby Doo rejects were shunned by humans on sight, for their strange appearance and addictions to game shows and ridiculous sentences involving the word "mittens". Over a short period of time the Gnomes rapidly evolved into a fierce warrior race and rebeled against their Vulcan masters, using games of Truth or Dare and slumber party makeovers to distract them. The Gnomes (being a primitive sort) sought the power source of all humans. They had long heard tales of porcelain altars humans paid homage to in time of great need...this is where the toilets come in. This was the start of a brutal rampage across all of Earth, as the Gnomes destroyed every last toilet. Billions of innocent lives were shattered at the loss of their toilets but they stood strong, if not a little impatient and anxious. A virus was bio-engineered to infect the population of Gnomes and put them all into comas. Once every last Gnome was secured onto a ship, they were sent far out into space away from Earth. Though the Gnomes have been gone for some time now, the Federation's unwritten laws forbid any construction of a toilet anywhere in the known region of space. All Starfleet personnel are to destroy toilets on sight, for fear that the Gnomes may reawaken some day and seek out their revenge. Until that day occurs and the Gnome race can be put to an end, humans will continue doing the impossible. Continue their struggle. Continue holding it.
Mr. Data... Make it sew!!
BORG DO IT COLLECTIVELY
How many Romulans does it take to change a
Two: One to change the bulb and one to kill him and take the credit for it.
How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll charge enough to make you think there are ten of him.
How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and one to sell the other light bulb.
How many Klingons do you need to change a lightbulb?
None. They're not afraid of the dark.
What happened to the Klingon that did change the lightbulb?
He got killed because he was a coward.
How many tribbles does it take to change a lightbulb?
1... 2... uhm... 4... Wait! 8... Hold on... 16...
How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know! The bloody Cardassians stole the lightbulb!!
How many Q does it take to change a lightbulb?
That depends. Into what?
"Ensign Johnson suddenly comes to the alarming realization that he is the only red-shirt in the landing party."
The Top Ten April Fools' Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"
Star Trek Top Ten Lists
The Way Wacked Website
This is a really great site... check it out...Off the Mark-Star Trek Cartoons
Prior Issues Feb 17, 2002 : Feb 24, 2002: March 3, 2002: March 10, 2002: March 17, 2002